What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic Abuse is a form of psychological abuse that is insidious in nature and thrives in an environment of secrecy and confusion. Individuals experiencing Narcissistic Abuse often times don’t realize what is happening, especially if they grew up with a narcissistic family member. People in these relationships tend to feel as if they are “crazy” or are “making a big deal out of nothing.” It is extremely common place for individuals in these types of relationships to feel like they are “the problem.” People with narcissistic/antagonistic personality styles create chaos in relationships, keeping individuals without those characteristics constantly on high-alert and questioning their reality. This is done with a series of manipulation tactics, oftentimes starting with love bombing at the beginning of a relationship, to gaslighting and hoovering.

Love bombing is when at the start of a relationship, the antagonistic individual showers their partner/family member/co-worker with affection, praise and compliments. It can often times feel like the relationship is going really fast or is filled with what can be perceived as “passion.” For example, an individual with narcissistic tendencies may say things like, “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” or say “I love you” or make request to move in together very early on. It can feel like you are more seen or known by the antagonistic person than you’ve ever been before, but it does not last. Eventually, the narcissistic individual will engage in intimacy and love withdrawal (basically withholding intimate connection), causing the person in the relationship with the narcissistic individual to feel like they’re doing something wrong, often making frantic attempts to return to the previous levels of affection. During these incidents, there will often be a Shame/Rage Cycle that the antagonistic individual engages in. Simply put, the individual with narcissistic characteristic will have something in their life that causes a feeling of worthlessness or shame. They cannot tolerate these feelings, so they rage out against others (sometimes physically, verbally, or even passively through things like the silent treatment). If these behaviors are called out or questioned, this further increases the narcissistic individual’s feelings of shame, which in turn causes more rage, leaving the individual in the relationship to feel confused and questioning what they did wrong. What makes things even more complicated, is when individuals try to address these issues, they’re gaslit.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that causing individuals to question their reality and sanity. Not only is gaslighting a denial of someone’s experiences through lying, but it involves the antagonistic individual feigning worry about the other person’s emotional stability. For example, an individual in the relationship with the narcissistic person may have physical evidence of cheating, like a photo or recording. When the individual confronts the narcissist, they will first be met with denial and blame shifting (ex: “That never happened. I don’t know why you don’t trust me. You’re so paranoid,”) often followed by questioning someone’s mental status (ex: “I’m really worried about you. You’re paranoia is getting out of control. You really should start seeing a therapist,”). In combination with gaslighting, DARVO is another tactic commonly used. DARVO stands for Deny Accountability/Attack the other, Reverse who is the Victim and who is the Oppressor. Let’s use the same example as above, they might say something like this, “What are you talking about? I’ve never seen that person before in my life! You’re acting insane. I can’t believe you’d go through my phone like that. That’s such a violation of my privacy! How am I supposed to trust you if you’re able to do something like that?”

The point of these tactics is for the individual to begin to trust the reality of the antagonistic person more than their own, leading to a constant state of questioning. If an individual then starts to pull away from the narcissist, they’re often met with other tactics such as future faking and hoovering. Future faking is when an antagonistic person makes promises that they will never follow through on (ex: promising to go to therapy and never making an appointment, agreeing to add someone to the family trust but never getting around to it), leading the individual in the relationship to hold on to the hope that something will change. Hoovering on the other hand is the narcissistic individual switching back and forth from valuing to devaluing the other individual, leading to a constant state of uncertainty. Of course, other manipulation strategies are used as well, but this is a common pattern we see that embodies these relationships.

Through therapy, individuals in these relationships will learn more about tactics utilized by antagonistic individuals, key characteristics of narcissistic personality styles, and ways to decrease the feelings of shame, low self-worth, and self-blame that accompany these relationships. In our sessions, we’ll also work to re-build your sense of self and discuss how to navigate these relationships in a way that promotes safety, choice, and self-worth.

Common Traits of Narcissists:

While traits of narcissistic individuals can vary from person to person, there are some core components that narcissistic individuals tend to have in common. Narcissistic individuals are motivated by a desire to avoid shame and feel admired, validated and praised by others. We remember some common traits through Dr. Ramani’s acronym CRAVED. CRAVED stands for Conflictual, Rigid, Antagonistic, Vulnerable, Entitled/Egocentric and Dysregulated. Individuals with narcissistic traits have a pattern of high conflict-relationships, filled with rigidity in thinking/behaviors. The narcissistic individual needs things to be their way and cannot tolerate being flexible. Antagonism fills these relationships, with perceived “character flaws” continually being pointed out, criticisms running freely, and continual slights being made. Narcissists have a hard time tolerating vulnerability as it is linked to feelings of shame, with often activates a rage-filled reaction (whether actively screaming at someone, or having a passive-aggressive rage reaction by giving someone the silent treatment for hours on end). Narcissistic individuals believe that they are entitled to a certain higher-level of treatment, that they are exceptional individuals and thus they are the exceptions to the rule and deserve special treatment. They will put their own needs first and prioritize their own gains. Lastly, these individuals are continually dysregulated, though outwardly they can seem extremely calm. Internally, there is a constant battle between feeling like they are best and the shame of the reality, causing these individuals to lash out, plot, and put others down. Regarding how antagonistic individuals tend to respond to others, Dr. Ramani’s phrase DIMMER can be called to mind. DIMMER stands for Dismissiveness, Invalidation, Minimization, Manipulation (gaslighting), Entitlement, Rage/Reactivity. Individuals in relationships with antagonistic people can expect to have their feelings and needs dismissed, invalidated, and minimized (ex: It’s not that big a deal, It’s not a big accomplishment, You’re blowing things out of proportion, Anyone could have done xyz, etc.). While this is going on, there are also constant manipulative tactics at play, the most common being to gaslight and have the other person question their sanity, reality, and trust in themselves. This is done purposefully in an effort for the antagonistic individual to have control and to ensure that the other person trusts the narcissist more than they trust themselves. When these power dynamics or relationship discrepancies are pointed out, there is a backlash and the wrath of the narcissistic individual comes out. The use of fear and control is paramount in these relationships and serves to keep the non-narcissistic individual in a constant state of questioning and chaos.